The Jonin and Kami Knows Who Else Proudly Present:
by baby-filly
Summary: When the 'adults' of Konoha decide to film their everyday lives, you know there will be chaos. Assorted pairings, KakaAnko, GenShizu, AsuKure and others: read inside. First up with the camera of doom: Maito Gai! Will Neji and Tenten survive? Please R&R.
1. Prologue: Asuma's Apartment

The Jonin and Kami knows who else Proudly Present:

**The Jonin and Kami knows who else Proudly Present:**

**A/N:**** Kakashi, Genma, Hayate, Iruka, Asuma, Ayame, Kurenai, Anko, Shizune and Gai take it in turns to terrorise people with Asuma's camcorder. Please R&R. Rated M for themes and possible lime.**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Naruto or any of the characters.**

**List of Pairings:**

**KakaAnko - minor**

**GenAnko - minor**

**IruAnko - minor**

**GenShizu**

**KakaKure – minor**

**AsuKure**

**KakaAya - one-sided (Ayame)**

**IruAya**

**GenHaya – (very) strong friendship**

**KakaGai – past fling, minor**

**Intro – Asuma's Apartment**

"Everyone, please be quiet!" Asuma could not actually hear himself over the noise the shinobi in his living room were making. He took a long drag on his cigarette, and raised his voice. "I'M SWITCHING THE CAMCORDER ON!"

The effect was instantaneous. Kakashi stopped trying to murder Iruka, who had apparently taken his _Icha Icha Violence _copy away from him. Anko got off Genma's lap, and Shizune stopped glaring malevolently at Anko. Genma looked a little disappointed. Gai ceased to yell about the technology that came with youthfulness. Kurenai, Hayate and Ayame continued to sit quietly.

_Click._

Anko began waving madly at the camera, and Asuma went to join his friends, sitting directly in front of Kakashi and Iruka, holding some kind of staring contest, Iruka still clutching _Icha Icha Violence_.

"Hey, Asuma, I want my five minutes of fame too, you know." Kakashi protested, nudging Asuma along. Iruka also pushed Asuma out of the way, to be seen on the camcorder.

"We, the jonin -" Asuma began, only to be interrupted by Iruka, who said:

"– And chunin."

"We, the jonin and chunin -"

"Hey, what about me? I'm not a ninja!" Ayame pointed out. Asuma sighed heavily, and started once more.

"We, the jonin and Kami knows what else, proudly present: 'A Shinobi's Life." Asuma looked up, daring anyone to say anything about the title. Kurenai took the dare, saying with a roll of her eyes:

"Imaginative title. Plus Ayame isn't a shinobi, as she has told you before." Asuma rolled his own eyes, before correcting himself.

"We proudly present: 'A Human Organism's Life'. That should cover us all, apart from Gai, shouldn't it?" Kurenai merely looked long-suffering. Gai looked up suddenly.

"What am I, then?" He asked uncertainly. It was none other than Shiranui Genma who answered him, with a mock serious air.

"You, my friend, are a green spandex alien." Kakashi, Hayate and Anko laughed at this. Gai looked affronted, and began muttering about the indignities of standing up for what you believed in. Everyone ignored him, and turned to grin manically at the camera again. Asuma coughed.

"Anyway, we are going to take it in weekly turns to record a snippet of our day-to-day lives, gathering here again at the end of the week to watch what we have captured on film."

"Does it have to be here?" Hayate asked uncomfortably. Possibly because Genma was sitting _very_ close to him on the three-seater couch, which all ten of the people present were crammed onto. Iruka nodded in agreement.

"It is a little…crowded." He said. Anko purred into his ear, and he went red.

"I understand, but we don't have anywhere else to go, none of the rest of you are willing to let us use your apartments, so you'll just have to live with it." Nobody said anymore. For all of five seconds.

"Get your hand out of my hair, Genma." Kurenai complained. Genma tried to comply, but couldn't get his elbow past Anko's head to free Kurenai's spidery black hair.

"Ow! Don't kick me, Kakashi! I only took your stupid book away!" Iruka yelped, bending over to rub his bruised leg. Ayame climbed over him to sit between Gai and Kakashi, causing more unrest.

"All of you, shut up!" Kurenai ordered. Everyone stopped what they were doing, Anko falling back into Genma's lap, and Shizune making to elbow the Mitarashi woman in the ribs. Kakashi straightened up, Ayame clutching his arm. "Thank you." Kurenai said curtly, falling back into silence once more, pushing Hayate closer to Genma, whom he had been trying to edge away from.

"Alright, I thought we'd start – Kami forbid – with Gai." Asuma suggested, ignoring the yells of protest from Hayate, Anko and Genma, and a grunt of disbelief from the Copy-nin, who looked a little flustered by the hold Ayame had on his arm. Asuma gave a secretive, knowing smile, which he also saw on Kurenai's face.

"Can we go now?" Shizune asked, throwing a sour look at Anko, who was looking obliviously smug on Genma's knee. Asuma nodded.

"See you all here, same time week, right?" He asked. Everyone nodded and ran for the door, Gai clutching the camcorder. Asuma lit up another cigarette. He had a feeling he would be chain smoking a lot more than usual over the next ten weeks.

**XOXOXOX**

**A/N:**** Next - Week One: Maito Gai! Will Tenten, Neji and Lee survive being 'interviewed' by their sensei?**

**P.S:**** For anyone reading 'Too Close for Comfort', I am definitely not giving up on it.**


	2. Week One: Maito Gai

The Jonin and Kami knows what else Proudly Present:

**The Jonin and Kami knows what else Proudly Present:**

**A/N:**** Maito Gai is let loose with a camera. Yes. Really. Please R&R. And I know Asuma should be dead and all, but this is a fanfiction.**

**Disclaimer:**** No, I don't own Naruto or the characters, I'm just borrowing them. It isn't the same as stealing them…uh, let's start, right?**

**Week One: Maito Gai**

_Click. Crash! Thump._

"Damn it!"

"Do not say such unyouthful things, Neji." The voice of Gai could be heard reprimanding Hyuuga Neji, who appeared to have dropped the camcorder on his foot.

"Trust me, Gai-sensei, considering what I was going to say, that was extremely youthful." Neji retorted. The camera wavered as Gai picked it up and pointed it at Neji, who scowled and crossed his arms over his chest in a bad-tempered way. "Why are we doing this anyway?"

"Because I and my friends wish to observe the youthfulness of you all." Neji snorted at Gai's explanation.

"Whatever, Gai-sensei."

"Would you mind being interviewed, Neji?" Gai asked hopefully. Neji sighed in a long-suffering way, and replied:

"No, as long as you don't ask me why I don't want to grow massive black eyebrows and wear green spandex and a headband round my waist, okay?" Gai nodded, and proceeded with the interview.

"What is your name, Neji?"

"Hyuuga Neji. Yes, of the Hyuuga clan, as you full well know, before you ask." Neji glared at his sensei, who jolted the camera in an apparent attempt to zoom out. Gai muttered what sounded a lot like a swear word. Neji tutted. "Do not say such unyouthful things, Gai-sensei." Gai muttered a much worse word. Neji grinned.

"Moving on, give me the names of some of your family members." Gai's voice sounded strained. Neji's grin went wider still.

"Hyuuga Hanabi, Hyuuga Hinata." He said in an offhand voice. Gai inhaled sharply for some reason or another. Neji continued. "Hinata's practically engaged to Naruto – not that he knows. Hanabi's dating the Uchiha."

"Leaving Haruno Sakura free for Lee?" Gai questioned solemnly. Neji's left eyebrow twitched almost imperceptibly.

"No, Gai-sensei. Sakura is with…" He paused, grinning smugly. "But I'd best shut up before she finds out I've told you something." The camcorder did a few wavering twists: it seemed Gai was intrigued by this news.

"Wow, who is Sakura with?" Lee appeared behind Neji, causing Gai to train the camera on his favourite student. "I would be so happy for her!" This caused Neji some amusement. Lee frowned in confusion. "Do you know, Neji?" Neji sighed.

"Yes, I do know. Now maybe you could both go away and harass Tenten rather than me?" Tenten, walking past, shot him a look of horror and began walking faster. Gai turned the camcorder to face her directly.

"Tenten! Would you permit me to interview you?" Tenten heaved a sigh a turned to the camera.

"Go on, then. Make it quick please, Gai-sensei, I'm busy training." Gai began his interrogation.

"What is your name, Tenten?" Neji smirked. Tenten sighed long-sufferingly.

"Tenten."

"How old are you, Tenten?" Gai asked.

"Eighteen, Gai-sensei. Don't you know this stuff already?" Tenten sounded worried that their sensei apparently did not know her age. Gai's camcorder zoomed in on her face.

"I do know, but my friends do not, so I am informing them!" Gai sounded excited. Neji shrugged helplessly to Tenten, who turned to Lee, standing eagerly behind Neji.

"How about interviewing Lee, Gai-sensei? I'm sure he's desperate to be questioned." She dragged Lee forwards, and Gai zoomed in on Lee's eyebrow. A massive black expanse filled the screen. After three seconds, the camcorder focused on Lee's whole face.

"What's your name, Lee?" This time, Neji and Tenten could hardly control their laughter. Lee shot them an annoyed look, before replying:

"I am Rock Lee, the handsome Konoha citizen and taijutsu specialist!" Gai sighed, as if wondering why he only liked one of his students.

"Very good, Lee." He paused, obviously thinking of more questions to ask. "How old are you?"

"Eighteen, Gai-sensei!" Lee bounced about. Tenten seemed to be struggling to refrain from hitting him. Gai continued.

"What things do you like, Lee?"

"I like the colour green, Sakura and you, Gai-sensei!" Neji rolled his eyes. Tenten's shoulders shook. She had succumbed to laughter. Neji stepped smartly in front of her. Gai continued to film his students.

"How about we practice that formation you showed us the other week? You know, Sensei, the 'Big Eyebrows are Youthful' formation?" Lee suggested. The camera went up and down.

"Yes, Lee, we will indeed practice 'Big Eyebrows are Youthful'!" Neji and Tenten groaned, Tenten through giggles. Neji helped her to her feet, and the camera's focus wavered three times, before dropping to the ground. Gai could be heard bounding away to the nearest large hill, Lee in tow. Neji picked up the camera, examining in, before finding the right button.

_Click._

**XOXOX**

"The hell?" Anko looked concerned, her faced almost pressed against the television screen. Kakashi pulled her back. Iruka coughed uncomfortably.

"We did well, do you not think?" Gai smiled toothily. No one answered. "One thing I never found out was who Sakura has found to love her." Everyone stared at him in disbelief. Kurenai was the one to break the news to the clueless spandex-wearer.

"Neji, Gai. Sakura is dating Neji." Genma patted a choking Maito Gai on the back. Ayame took the opportunity to move closer to Kakashi, who grimaced as though in a great deal of pain. Asuma grinned. Kakashi glowered. Anko pushed Ayame out of the way to lie with her head on Genma's shoulder and her legs across Kakashi's lap. Kakashi sighed resignedly. Shizune glared at Anko. Anko smirked back.

"So…" Asuma's strident tones made everyone look up. "Next week, Genma shall be showing us what work of art he has created on film. Kami help us." Everyone smiled, apart from Shizune, intent on sending a certain purple-haired woman death stares, and Kakashi, completely out of his element surrounded by women.

"Until next week, then." Asuma dismissed them all. Kakashi leapt for the door, saying something about needing to talk to Sakura about her latest object of affections. Ayame followed him, not buying his excuse for a second. Asuma watched the Copy-nin disappearing in a cloud of thick smoke, which made Ayame cough violently.

Genma sauntered by, Shizune speaking to him in low, angry tones. Anko shook her head smugly as she passed the two, chatting casually to Kurenai about what a cute couple Neji and Sakura made. Hayate, who had been silent the entire meeting, stayed silent as he left.

Asuma sighed as the last person left his house, and collapsed onto his couch. Trying to control a group of supposed adults was proving hard work.

**XOXOX**

**A/N:**** Next week, Genma tries to film his apartment, with concerning results. But first, this chapter. Please tell me what you think of it. Too short? Too boring? Okay? I want to know your opinion, if you have a little time to spare reviewing.**


	3. Week Two: Shiranui Genma

The Jonin and Kami Knows Who Else Proudly Present:

**The Jonin and Kami Knows Who Else Proudly Present:**

**A/N:**** Thanks to gatman800 and Fried Chicken (both anonymous) and everyone else who reviewed. Please keep reading! **

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Naruto or any Christmas carols, so don't sue me please.**

**Week Two – Shiranui Genma**

_Click._

"Hey, it's working!" Came the excited voice of Shiranui Genma. The camera wobbled, before focusing blurrily on Genma's face.

"Yes, Genma, it's working." The camcorder turned to face Shizune, reclining on Genma's couch, before doing a close-up on the woman's chest. Shizune gave an indignant snort, making it obvious she knew what the senbon-wielder was doing. "Why don't you go show everyone around?" The camera nodded up and down wildly, and zoomed out again. The camera went through a plain, surprisingly clean hallway, and focused on a flight of stairs.

"Wait, I have stairs?"

"You've walked out of the front door, idiot." Shizune's voice floated back from the lounge. There was a long pause. The camcorder turned to face a brown door with the number '4' in brass stuck on carelessly, almost hanging upside-down.

"Oh, right." Genma walked back into the apartment, filming his own sandal-clad feet. "Okay, then, this is the lounge, you've already seen that, so…how about the kitchen?" The camera bounced over to a door, and Genma's hand reached out, when Shizune spoke again.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you."

"Right, you still haven't had time to clean up yet?"

"Moving swiftly on, Genma." Shizune's voice held a warning tone. The camera waved up and down in agreement, and Genma panned out over the rest of the corridor.

"How about the bedroom? Is it safe to show everyone that?" Genma asked. Shizune paused for a moment, before answering with:

"Okay, I suppose." The camcorder went through another doorway, leading into a spotless room painted white, sunlight blazing in through a large window in the corner.

In the centre of the room was a bed, neatly made with a rose petal or two littering the floor. The camera swiftly moved over to look out of the window, which had a breathtaking view of Konoha. Genma zoomed in on one of the apartment blocks.

"And that, Ayame, is Kakashi's apartment." A slender finger pointed to the apartment block the camcorder was fixed on. "Kami, I'm going to hell for that." The camera turned to focus on a chest of drawers. "In those drawers, ladies and gentlemen…"

"Don't you dare show everyone where I keep my underwear!" Shizune yelled. The camera in Genma's hand shook in apparent amusement.

"I won't!" He called back, before whispering to the camera: "It's the middle one, there." The camcorder did a close up. "Hey, I can zoom in on things!" Genma said excitedly. A hand appeared, and a finger pressed another button on the side of the camera, which began to play _Jingle Bells_ – very loudly. Genma swore in shock, and dropped the camera. "Ow, my foot! Damn it!" The camcorder began recording the skirting board, _Jingle Bells_ still blaring from it.

"What the hell? _Jingle Bells_? It's July, Genma!" Shizune exclaimed. Genma swore again.

"I know, I'm working on it." Genma's knee appeared in the frame, and he scrabbled around. There was a beep. "Sorted – oh, fu-" His expletive was cut off by _Oh Come All Ye Faithful_. Shizune's voice was heard clearly yelling:

"Are camcorders _meant _to sing?"

"WHAT?" Genma yelled over the music, pressing another button. _Away in a Manger_ began. Genma picked the camera up and banged it against the wall. The picture went blurry, and the Christmas carols stopped. "Shizune, I think the camera's broken – oh, wait…" Genma slammed the camera against the wall once more, and the picture came back into focus.

"Is it fixed?" Shizune asked wearily. Genma paused, recording his foot.

"I think so." He turned the camera upside down and gave it a hard smack. "Yeah, it's working."

"How about going to see the attic?" Shizune suggested. Genma's camcorder bounced up and down as he nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, great idea!" The camera's picture went rapidly up and down, over and over, indicating that Genma was running. He stopped, breathing heavily into the sound piece of the camcorder. A large ladder came into view. "Let's see up here! Kami, I haven't looked up here for…four and a half years now." Oblivious to everything but his newfound attic, Genma filming the opening, before throwing the camcorder up. There was a dull clunk of metal on wood, then the camera's focus blurred. A second later, the picture cleared to reveal a stack of boxes.

There was a few seconds of scraping as Genma pulled himself up the ladder after the camcorder, and then, a childish gasp.

"Oh, I forgot all the memories this place has! Like when five years ago, me and Shizune…well, maybe it's best if I don't tell you that, she'll murder me, but still…" He lifted the camera up to regard the boxes, one of which had a strikingly Shizune-shaped dent in it. Genma laughed in apparent wonder. "Wow, the imprint's still there. I wondered if it'd fade in time, but it hasn't! That takes me back to the good old days." Still chuckling to himself, he pointed the camera down to the blue patterned carpet, and began climbing down the ladder once more.

"Genma! Get in here." Shizune called. Genma sighed, seemingly dragging his thoughts from 'the good old days' and back to reality.

"Coming!" He called brightly, muttering under his breath, "What does she want _now_?"

"I heard that, Genma!" Shizune yelled.

"Whoa, you must have super-hearing or something."

"No, I have the baby monitor on." Shizune said. The camcorder stopped moving, before spinning around wildly, evidently attempting to find said baby monitor. "It's in the closet that you must be standing next to." Genma's hand opened the closet, and sure enough, there was a baby monitor there. Genma picked it up, and spoke through it, after pressing a few random buttons, and hearing a few random beeping noises.

"Don't tell me you bought a baby monitor just to spy on me." He groaned. Shizune laughed.

"Not one baby monitor, two. Now get to the living room." The baby monitor disappeared, presumably into Genma's pocket, and the camcorder began moving again.

"What do you want?" Genma asked when he and the camcorder arrived at the living room. Shizune stood in the centre of the room, hiding something behind her back. She was smiling widely, and she moved forwards.

"Film this moment, Genma, so no one can _ever_ forget it." Shizune brought out a white stick from behind her back. "I'm pregnant." The camera was dropped by a stunned Genma, and it began recording an image of Shizune and Genma's feet.

"Okay, wow…will you marry me?" Genma asked. Shizune answered shakily.

"Yes, of course!" Genma pressed a button on the camera with his foot.

_Click._

**XOXOX**

"Hip-hip…" Gai began.

"…Hooray." The others joined in unenthusiastically, before bursting into a round of applause. Shizune blushed sweetly. She was sitting directly next to Genma on the couch. Everyone crowded round to offer their congratulations, even Kakashi, although he would now undoubtedly face excess attention from Anko as well as Ayame, who had rewinded the tape to the point where Genma pointed out Kakashi's apartment.

"Hayate's turn next week." Asuma reminded everyone, who ignored him. Ayame scribbled down some bearings on her hand in biro.

Neither Genma nor Kakashi bothered telling her the place she was obsessing over wasn't actually the Copy-nin's residence. Genma because he was too busy thanking people and kissing Shizune, and Kakashi because he thought the real owner of the apartment's reaction would be amusing.

**XOXOX **

"Kakashi, get your ass out here right now!" Kakashi rolled out of his bed and glanced at the clock: twenty-two minutes and eighteen seconds past three. But who was being precise? He knew who the caller was anyway, and his educated guess was backed up by a fearful squeak from a woman he recognised as Ayame.

Kakashi opened his door.

"Ibiki, what brings you to my door at this hour?" Morino Ibiki, ignoring the fact Kakashi had no mask on, glared very hard at Ayame, who quivered; perhaps due to the fact that Konoha's best torturer had hold of her neck, and was threatening to apply pressure.

"She appeared at my window not half an hour ago, trying to force the window open. When I awoke and accosted her, she said something about thinking it was your apartment. So I brought her here in the hope she would not bother me again." With that, Ibiki dropped Ayame, and turned to leave.

"Nice of you to torture _me_ as well, Ibiki. You really are a master." Kakashi muttered. Had he thought this would be amusing? Oh, yeah. Was it? Hell, no. Well, actually…

Ayame stared at Kakashi, who had collapsed against the doorframe in a fit of helpless laughter. She rubbed her neck. Why was he laughing? Was he laughing at _her_? The petite ramen waitress could do no more than speculate, seeing as Kakashi was in no position to speak, let alone answer any questions put to him.

"Kakashi-sempai…" She hesitated until he looked up at her expectantly, still trying to repress his laughter. "…I'll be going home, then…" Kakashi nodded, and Ayame scuttled away. It was only after she was back at Ichiraku Ramen that she realised she had seen Kakashi's face, and that she had been given an opportunity to stake out his house, but due to Ibiki's stranglehold, she had not been able to work out where she was. In fact, she'd only managed to find her way back to her home by sheer luck and signposts. _Damn it!_

Meanwhile, Kakashi stayed outside on his doorstep, laughing his way to frostbite which he would no doubt make Sakura heal.


End file.
